Solopsism: the theory that the self is the only thing that can be

25 January 2007

My good Bajo,

The self is the only reality. Can you recall Gabriel's
death-suicide-what ever it is one would call it- This one, a lover, a
son, he was perfection in the way my Alysia's humor is. But, like all
the good ones, he didn't want the daughter-Bajo do you think men can
experience postpartum-

Long Beach, Island Park, Long Island, New York-it was winter like
always with Gabriel, he let the waves take little Hannah, only a week
old and I was at my mothers on Eagle St., Greenpoint, Manzanitia was
trying to tell me, but she could only tell me if I stepped out onto
the stoop, I was too cold, eating platanos wondering when my lover and
daughter would be home. Do men experience postpartum- mine do.

The LIRR- this is where the funeral was and so many people experience
their memories there; write their masterpieces on those seats-meet
their soul mates. If I had known Bajo-that Hannah was colder than I
would ever be on a stoop with grandmother, great, I would have stepped
outside. Always listen to Manzanitia, always adhere.

Still I believe he had no idea, that death is irreversible, the
audacity of insanity is impressive in that we dream beautiful
Himalayan landscapes where our good Xiao hold's Hannah like a
goddaughter while Gabriel is the one falling-there is no wrong doing
when a mother trusts a father, I just trusted the wrong one.

The Burberry is real and sliding on the ice-I will give you these
words forever Bajo, and I still thank Noah everyday. If only we could
be five, ten, and fifteen together and at the same time.

Apologies for walking everywhere, there is a stain in the street.

-Caridad